1d

Merrill Elizabeth Reed

May 19, 2009

12:56 p.m.

4 lbs. 12 ozs.

17 inches long

Details to come....

34w6d

Last night, as I attempted in vain to find a comfortable position, I had a moment where I wished my husband could take over the rest of this pregnancy. When I mentioned that to him, he immediately said he'd be happy to. I get the sense that if this were actually possible, and I were able to hand him the baby to carry for the next five weeks, it would probably result in him being pregnant for about a week before gliding into easy labor and delivering Ferris without breaking a sweat.

When I think about the things my husband (or any man, for that matter) will never understand about being pregnant, I feel it necessary to share them with him:

• The ability to put your pants on like a normal person will completely escape you.
• Peeing constantly gets old, fast.
• Carrying around an extra 30 lbs. is harder than you'd expect.
• When you can't get comfortable, climbing out of your body seems like the only available option.
• Hormones. That is all.
• Feeling pretty when you are bloated, nauseous, exhausted and hot is amazingly difficult.
• There will come a time when you think you can't possibly drink another glass of water. Drink one anyway.
• The fear that you'll do something wrong and hurt the baby is crippling.
• If you love to be the center of attention, you'll love being pregnant. If not, you'll often be overwhelmed and anxious.
• At the end of a long day, when all you want to do is enjoy a few drinks, you can't.

Now, I know that list doesn't make pregnancy sound appealing at all - but it's not all bad. There are also the wonderful moments a man will never experience:

• Being able to talk to your baby and feel it kick in response is better than watching your team play in the Super Bowl.
• Having a free pass to indulge in your cravings without being judged is liberating.
• The knowledge that you are carrying the child you've created with the person of your dreams is incomparable.
• You'll never love someone you've never met the way you'll love this person.

On second thought, I take it back - I don't want to give up these last five weeks.

34w4d

So here we are, with just a little over 5 weeks to go. I'm not entirely sure how this is possible, and I can't decide if I'm ready or if I want to stay pregnant forever - both emotions grip me at any given moment. One of the most common questions I get now is "Are you ready?" - and my answer is always the same: "Physically, yes - but beyond that, I'm not sure."

Ferris is wildly active at this point - and I like to think that the triggers are indicative of what our little squirt's personality will be. I went to a Patsy Cline tribute at the Ryman Auditorium on Friday night, and every time the music ramped up, so did Ferris - leading me to believe that our baby will have great taste in music. Yesterday we went out on the boat for a while, and as Ferris rolled around and kicked, I sighed with relief at the thought that we'll have a little one who loves the water.

Mother's Day in our family is usually celebrated the same way every year - my grandmother comes into town from Mississippi and joins my mom, my sister and I for the weekend. This year we were lucky enough to add my mother-in-law to the mix and it was so inspiring to look around the table at all of these women who have helped shape me and mold me into who I am. I give each of them credit for showing me different things: an insane sense of humor, the ability to multi-task, the tendency to be laid back at all times, fierce determination, stoic patience, and unconditional love - just to name a few. I feel lucky to be a part of this family of strong women, and I know they'll be here for us as we build our family...learning as we go and leaning on them for advice and support.

33w6d

Today's ultrasound provided mixed results - a very healthy Ferris, although a very healthy Ferris that is still a bit too small. Growth is in the 24th percentile, which is lower than last time - although Ferris did gain a little bit of weight, it's just not the "normal" amount. We will go back in two more weeks for another ultrasound to monitor growth - but in the meantime we can rest assured that all is well.

(I have to admit that I'm enjoying the upside of these multiple ultrasounds - any chance to see this tiny little face again!)

33w

If the old saying "A picture is worth a thousand words" ever had merit, it's now.

32w6d

My sister and her husband gave us this t-shirt and onesie set and I have to say, it's one of my favorite baby presents by far...although my love for it is not well evidenced by the look of extreme fatigue on my face.

32w4d

Lately I've really been doing a lot of soul searching. A lot. I've found myself sitting staring blankly into space, only snapping back to reality when a very impatient dog decides that he needs me to pet his head immediately, lest he fall apart into a million pieces, and it's only when I feel the not-so-gentle slap of his enormous paw do I realize I'd checked out.

There are so many thoughts rushing through my brain and trying to get to the front of the line that it almost hurts. It's like a bunch of sweaty, sunburned, badly-dressed tourists at an amusement park in the heat of summer, jostling each other and attempting to squeeze through the crowd. The end result is similar as well - the front of the line means embarking on a 45 second roller coaster ride before it's time to move on, just as I'm only giving my thoughts about a minute to hang out before I send them packing again.

I'm in the midst of trying to figure out who I am and what kind of person I am becoming, along with juggling the notion of what type of parent I'm going to be. I truly thought that after 8 months of not working in an attempt to "discover myself", I'd have more of a clue - but I find myself even more baffled than before I decided a career change was in order. I've always associated myself so strongly with what I was doing for a living, a phenomenon that I think we are all prone to. Our careers become the definitions of who we are...so without a career, I'm unsure as to how I'm defined.

I'm fully aware that once Ferris makes an appearance, life as I know it will change forever and I may never question myself again. I may well find myself in the place I'm meant to be, and the prospect of embarking on a new career may fly out the window...or I could end up needing something beyond being a mother. There's no way to predict it....and it will only drive me nuts to try. The fears and insecurities will likely not disappear - although they may present themselves in new and different ways. The uncertainty will stem from a new set of circumstances, and the learning curve of an unfamiliar place will be challenging. My only hope is that I can rise to the occasion and come out better in the end, tackling it as efficiently as can be done...and accepting that while perfection is not necessity, failure is not a possibility.