32w4d

Lately I've really been doing a lot of soul searching. A lot. I've found myself sitting staring blankly into space, only snapping back to reality when a very impatient dog decides that he needs me to pet his head immediately, lest he fall apart into a million pieces, and it's only when I feel the not-so-gentle slap of his enormous paw do I realize I'd checked out.

There are so many thoughts rushing through my brain and trying to get to the front of the line that it almost hurts. It's like a bunch of sweaty, sunburned, badly-dressed tourists at an amusement park in the heat of summer, jostling each other and attempting to squeeze through the crowd. The end result is similar as well - the front of the line means embarking on a 45 second roller coaster ride before it's time to move on, just as I'm only giving my thoughts about a minute to hang out before I send them packing again.

I'm in the midst of trying to figure out who I am and what kind of person I am becoming, along with juggling the notion of what type of parent I'm going to be. I truly thought that after 8 months of not working in an attempt to "discover myself", I'd have more of a clue - but I find myself even more baffled than before I decided a career change was in order. I've always associated myself so strongly with what I was doing for a living, a phenomenon that I think we are all prone to. Our careers become the definitions of who we are...so without a career, I'm unsure as to how I'm defined.

I'm fully aware that once Ferris makes an appearance, life as I know it will change forever and I may never question myself again. I may well find myself in the place I'm meant to be, and the prospect of embarking on a new career may fly out the window...or I could end up needing something beyond being a mother. There's no way to predict it....and it will only drive me nuts to try. The fears and insecurities will likely not disappear - although they may present themselves in new and different ways. The uncertainty will stem from a new set of circumstances, and the learning curve of an unfamiliar place will be challenging. My only hope is that I can rise to the occasion and come out better in the end, tackling it as efficiently as can be done...and accepting that while perfection is not necessity, failure is not a possibility.