The Rainbow Connection

As much as I'd like to skip down the path of "motherhood is perfect" and letting myself live in a world of unicorns made of cotton candy and magical golden kittens, I do have to address the other side. Because although life with this baby is in fact amazing and soul-fortifying to the point of ridiculousness, there are times and pieces that are scary and painful and emotionally exhausting. It's scary to admit them to myself, much less the handful of people that may actually read this - but it's also scary to pretend they don't exist, and it's impossible to float through a trying day without accepting that things aren't always perfect.

I try to remain confident in my decisions regarding the care of Merrill - I try to trust my gut and attempt to feel good about how well I'm handling things - but I occasionally become paralyzed with fear that I'm doing something wrong. There are going to be people who judge me and disagree with me and it will take a thick skin to handle the criticism - much thicker skin than I find myself possessing so far. There is something so devastating about hearing someone tell you that you aren't doing a good enough job, and the feeling of being so utterly deflated while having to force yourself to cope is overwhelming.

I am extraordinarily blessed to have the opportunity to stay home with Merrill as long as I want - at least, that's the situation as it currently stands. We are in a position that allows us to maintain things financially, even without the boost a second income would certainly provide. Until I've made the decision regarding whether or not I'd like to be a stay at home mom indefinitely, I'm able to spend time with my adorable daughter and enjoy every minute of her. I am lucky, and I get it. I'm also envious of my husband for being able to go to work every day, to spend time doing something that requires mental stimulation, to have conversations with people, etc. I feel myself rapidly slipping into a neat little category, where I'm losing my edge and becoming far less multi-dimensional.

I experience guilt on a level I never knew existed - knowing I can't be perfect but beating myself up for it even as I know I shouldn't. I find myself constantly working on acceptance of self, taking things far too outside of my control and attempting to control them anyway. I question whether I'm good enough for her, whether I'm truly doing everything I can, whether it's enough.

Having a baby is empowering and scary and has stripped me down to the bare bones. It has made me stronger, allowing me to keep going long after I think I can't....and it has made me weaker, causing me to feel fear and worry on a level I didn't know existed. It's a constant test that provides constant rewards, and it's an ongoing challenge that provides ongoing bliss. It is not always perfect, and it's not always magical - but at the end of the day, every single dark part is so completely lit by the joy she brings...making it all worthwhile.