26w1d

I’ve been attempting to define who I am as a person, in an effort to correct the many flaws that may negatively impact our child…or at the very least, gain a comprehensive knowledge of those things which need improvements. The realization that we are not only responsible for the physical well-being of a person, but also their mental and emotional well-being, leaves a sense of unease in my mind since I know I’m far from perfect.

For starters, I can be incredibly bratty at times. I’m not proud of this, but it’s something I’ve come to terms with - and when I catch myself in the act of doing or saying something childish, I want to tear out my own tongue. I am the youngest of four children, and while my parents never outright spoiled me - I always had chores, never had an allowance, and got my first job when I was 15 - they were very good to me, and as a result I think I became accustomed to being treated well. In the instance of being told something I don’t want to hear, I am often inclined to pout. Unappealing at best, this trait certainly won’t get me very far in my attempts to raise a child who will not be a brat.

I’m also concerned with my patience level. This is something I’ve been working on for some time, ever since my husband and I began transforming our casual relationship into something much deeper and more serious several years ago. I can be hotheaded and temperamental, and so I know the propensity I have to snap will require a bit of effort to overcome. Fortunately, my husband is the most patient person I know, so he makes up where I’m lacking.

Another cause for concern is my fear of being judged. I worry too much about what other people think of me, and I’m too reluctant to stand up for myself and speak my mind. One of my biggest goals is to get over this trepidation, and understand that I must do what’s best for my family - critics be damned. When it comes to raising a child, I hope to trust myself enough to be confident in my decisions, despite what others may feel about them.

On a lesser scale, there are things like my love of sleep, my tendency to drink copious amounts of wine, and my desire to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. These things all represent a bit of selfishness on my part, and while I will miss them on a certain level, it’s also something I need to be able to give up - at least to a degree.

At the end of the day, I want to be the best person I can be for this child - the best mother I can be, despite my imperfections and unrealistic expectations. After all, isn’t that the only thing we can aim for?