17w6d

Looking back at the things I've written since I started this process has led me to realize that I've been evaluating this pregnancy on a very surface level. I believe that it was important for me in the early stages to fully document the physical aspects since those were so foreign to me and I marveled at the changes I was experiencing.

Beyond that, I haven't really gotten into what I'm experiencing emotionally...whether it's due to a fear of sounding ungrateful for this baby, or fear of being judged, I'm not sure. But the realization has hit me that when I look back on this time, it won't be the timeline of developments I'll want to remember most - it will be the massive amounts of emotions. The fears, the insecurities, the hopes, and most certainly the expectations - these are the things I want to document.

I'll still keep up with the progress that Ferris is making, of course - but instead of peppering it with casual comments, my goal is to delve into this experience much deeper. I think the best place to start doing that is my immense fear of change.

Change is certainly inevitable as we go through our lives, and it's something I'm touch and go on. I tend to get very antsy if situations remain the same for long periods of time. However, that tendency is offset by my instinct to reject change once it presents itself. As I've gotten older, I've gotten increasingly more uncomfortable when new situations arise - and increasingly more apt to cling to my comfort zone. Quitting my job only to find out a short time later that we were expecting a baby really threw me for a loop. I had to juggle the notion that everything happens for a reason, that I had made a mistake in leaving the comforts of a secure if unfulfilling job, that I now had a purpose, that my dreams were coming true.

I still struggle occasionally with this equation - on the days that I crave the routine, the confidence in my path, the presence of people, I wonder what on earth I'm doing with myself. But on those other days, the ones where I accept that this is the road I'm on for now, and even find delight and pride in said road...those are the days where I can smile and know that although I may not have chosen this exact sequence of events, it's what's been handed to me. Like all other cards I've been dealt in my life, good or bad, I've played the hand and remained relatively unscathed.

Now that our whole worlds are going to be turned upside down in the next few months, I spend a lot of time thinking about how best to deal with the changes. I know that our relationship will be different, which scares me because I love the dynamic of our marriage. I know there won't be as much time for the little tiny moments we share, for stretches of time uninterrupted by the demands of someone totally dependent on us, and for ourselves and each other. However, I also know there will be more love, more time together as a joined force, more amazing milestones and moments that we'll never forget....which somehow makes dealing with the changes a bit easier to take.